Sunday, February 15, 2009

Lots of Emotions

It's been a long, slow weekend. Xavian is eating well and sleeping well, but he gets really irritable in the early evening until around 8:30ish each night. We're not sure why. He does seem to have a lot of gas, but it could just be Xavian being Xavian. His head is healing nicely from the surgery. He's got a big horseshoe of sutures on the right side. It doesn't really seem to bother him at all, just as the neuro-surgeon said it wouldn't. He's got one more dose of Decadron(used to decrease swelling) and he'll be finished with it.

On Monday at 1pm, we should find out the results of Xavian's brain tumor tests. We hope and pray for the best for our sweet baby. We've been blessed with two wonderful gifts from God and we hope that they both will have the wonderful lives that we have been blessed to have. Cassie and I both have many emotions and feelings at this point. A few that I'm struggling with include fear (on many counts), worry, doubt, anxiety, sadness, mental fatigue, emotional fatigue, and physical fatigue. Although I want to focus on the positive emotions and feelings, the negative ones are trying to break into my heart. I feel like things in the big picture will be okay, but the day to day grind is what worries me the most. So many questions creep into my mind. Questions like:
  • How much pain will my son have to go through?
  • What if this affects him negatively long-term?
  • What if they tell us he won't make it?
  • What if something happens to my oldest son as well?
  • Is it safe for us to have more children?
  • How will my wife and I cope emotionally?
  • Why us?
  • Was there something I could have done to prevent this?
  • We just bought a home, how can I continue to support my family if this hits us hard financially?
I'm sure these types of questions are natural for this type of thing, but it doesn't keep them out of my mind. You may wonder why I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. The reason is that these types of questions and emotions I've listed stay with me all day long. Getting out of the house with Dante a couple times this weekend helped a lot. We went to Target twice and stopped by Russ's house for a few minutes, which Dante thoroughly enjoyed by the way.

Say a prayer for us, that we will have strength and courage on Monday. Neither my wife or I are on any medications for help with this, rather we're relying fully and soley on the power of God to not only heal our son, but carry us through this as a united family.


  1. we'll be praying for you guys tomorrow. Thanks for bearing your soul and being vulnerable.

  2. No one would ever fault you for your emotions, both of you. Xavian is the luckiest child in the world to have you both for his parents. I have told you many times how proud I am to call you a dear Nephew who has so much faith and courage. Several times a day I thank God that this child has been given to you, of all people in the world, to parent. I know times will be difficult for you but His strength will guide you and support you in all that you need...I love you Matt and continue to pray each day for you all.........

  3. You are in our prayers daily. May God give you the strength to power through these ups and downs. We hope all goes well with the doctor today.

    Matt and Joan Gatewood

  4. Matt -
    I am glad to see that you are open and honest about your emotions, feelings, and fears. It is much easier to face them head on when you acknowledge them.
    You and your sweet family are in our prayers.
    Love you -
    Larry and Fran Gatewood

  5. I don't think anyone questions your emotional, physical or mental tiredness. You have every right to be tired to say the least.